my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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