Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
