There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
