it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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