the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
