Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
