Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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