On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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