It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
