once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
