Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
