there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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