I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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