I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
