I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You did what with his pubic hair?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
