before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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