you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
