thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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