So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
