I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
