My Higher Power is John Stamos
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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