Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
