I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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