I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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