woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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