at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
