i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
