My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
