They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
