Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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