I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
