he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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