Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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