Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Im part way to drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
