If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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