New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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