a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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