I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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