you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
