He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
