i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
