I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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