I just pynch a tree in the face
Your dad touched me again.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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