why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
