Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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