You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
