my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
not ubering you a puppy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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