My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
