i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
