Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
