im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
